There comes a time in every man's life when he has to quit dicking around and write a real-person resume. This is that time. As you will probably notice, my resume might be the most buttoned-up thing on this whole website. I hope you have fun judging me (I ceratinly do). Let me know if you want to give me a job.

Download the holy grail here.

Props go to the magnificent Jeff Chen who first gave me the basic template for this badass-looking resume.

Below are listed more of my thoughts about resumes because the whitespace without all these opinions is just plain awkward:

• It really is all about looks. I could be a performance artist with $2 to my name, and Jeff Chen could still make me seem like a respectable person.

• People really like to know you're educated, as that's always the thing that comes first isn't it? What if I'm from the school of hard knocks? What then? Would I still be employable? I think so, but what about the rest of the world?

• Are you cooler simply for having more states on your resume? Does this make you worldly? Does this mean you're cultured?

• Skills? What are those? Is my ability to peel a clementine in one piece a skill? What about my ability to open any jar ever? Can I have a job now?